This post has been a long time coming and finally I feel I need to out my self because it cant be only me who feels this way. It’s been hard to write and I hope you understand my motivation.
Whenever I walk into a room I do a quick scan of the room to see if I am the fattest person in that room, if I’m not then I can relax if I am it makes me feel sick and uncomfortable and I get panicky and I have to leave as soon as possible. I will literally do anything to get out of those situations. I am also really worried about people seeing me out of breath and then thinking, ‘look at that fat girl that can’t even x without getting out of breath’. This has meant that I never run for buses, I will do anything to avoid walking about with people and caused me to really freak out about the gym.
You see I’ve never been slim, and it’s something I have always been teased about. One of my best friends growing up used to call me phat Kat. ( everyone used to call me Kat). He used to say Kat your phat, P H phat that is. Phat meaning cool, but it wasn’t lost on my 12 year old self that it was only funny to everyone because I was actually F fat too. Even now as I think back I don’t think he was being mean I think he just thought it was funny and I never told him that it hurt.
Some people were mean though and I began to internalise all of this and began to blame my weight for lots of things. I loved cricket and I really wanted to join a cricket club ( my dad played and I taught my self, from an array of library books, how to bowl off spin). I got my school to start a girls cricket team and then was too scared to go to the first practice in case people laughed at me.
Earlier this week I asked on twitter if I should buy clothes now or wait until I have lost my full amount and one lady sent me a message that said why do you want to wait till you get to your target to look good, get some now. Now I know financially this isn’t the best advice but it did make me realise my life has been on hold since I was 11 . All the things that I said I would do once I lost weight I’ve never done? My life has been on hold for the last 14 years. 14 years.
I’m sure I’m not the only one, who else has said to them selves once I’ve got to target I’ll buy that dress, have that holiday, join that club, go to that reunion? Who is waiting to get to a certain weight before they apply for that job, go to dance classes or whatever it is your not doing now because your not the weight you want to be?
I have told the worst lies to my most loved people, I have missed christening of friends baby’s and party’s of very special people because I was scared of being the fattest person there. I have settled for things that I shouldn’t have settled for because I felt like I wasn’t worth more. And as far as I am concerned its time to take my life off pause.
If you have identified with any of this then I would like to invite you to Press Play with me this November and start living life more fully. I don’t envision it being easy but I think we need to do it. To sign up send me an email to firstname.lastname@example.org then every day starting the 5th of November I will send you a challenge, I will be taking the challenges myself and blogging about them here. The aim is by the end of November to feel more confident and happy with ourselves, to have taken our lives off pause and to have the best most confident Christmas we can remember.
And just in case you needed any more motivation to join here’s a final thought to consider;
While my life has been on hold I have eaten in secret and at time socially isolated myself, been inactive and I have lied to myself that my life would be perfect if I was my target weight – none of these things boost weight loss in fact they have perpetuated the problem. Plus it’s very unlikely that if I stay on pause until I have reached that weight that I will become instantly more active and more social the moment the scales show that elusive target number.
I really hope that you will join me this November and that you will help me spread the word by sharing this so we can help as many people as possible take their lives of pause and Press Play this November.